What it is, how it shows up, and when to seek support
Relationships can be deeply fulfilling, but they can also bring uncertainty. Many people worry about their relationships from time to time — wondering if they’ve chosen the right partner, questioning whether they’re truly in love, or feeling anxious about the future. This is normal. But for some, these worries become persistent, intrusive, and distressing. That’s when we might be looking at something more specific: Relationship OCD.
At Cova Psychology, we work with people across Melbourne and online who are struggling with relationship-based anxiety. In this post, we’ll explore what Relationship OCD is, what it feels like, and how working with a psychologist can help.
What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD (sometimes shortened to ROCD) is a subtype of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It involves ongoing, unwanted thoughts and doubts about one’s relationship — thoughts that feel intrusive, sticky, and almost impossible to resolve.
People with ROCD often report a sense of being trapped in their own mind. They might find themselves constantly analysing their feelings, questioning whether their partner is “right” for them, or fixating on specific perceived flaws.
It’s not that they don’t care about their partner. In fact, many people with ROCD are in healthy, loving relationships. But their mind won’t stop casting doubt — and the harder they try to get certainty, the more anxious they become.
If you’re interested in learning more about obsessive-compulsive patterns and how they’re treated, see our overview of OCD treatment in Melbourne.
Common obsessions and compulsions in ROCD
Obsessions in ROCD typically revolve around the relationship itself or the partner. These can include:
“What if I don’t really love them?”
“What if they’re not attractive enough?”
“Am I settling?”
“What if this isn’t the right relationship?”
“What if I fall out of love later?”
These thoughts are unwanted and distressing. The person often recognises they are irrational or exaggerated, but that doesn’t make them easier to dismiss.
To cope, individuals may develop compulsive behaviours. These might include:
Repeatedly seeking reassurance from friends, family, or their partner
Comparing their relationship to others’
Checking their feelings constantly (“Do I feel enough today?”)
Avoiding triggers like romantic movies or conversations about relationships
Mentally reviewing moments in the relationship, looking for proof that it’s “right” or “wrong”
Over time, these behaviours can become exhausting — for both the person and their partner.
It’s not just doubt — it’s distress
Doubt is a normal part of any close relationship. It’s not unusual to question things from time to time, especially during periods of stress or transition.
What makes ROCD different is the intensity and frequency of the doubts, and the emotional toll they take. People with ROCD often describe feeling consumed by their thoughts, unable to focus on other parts of life. The distress can be so strong that it interferes with work, friendships, sleep, or decision-making.
There’s also a strong sense of guilt or shame. Some people fear they’re being dishonest by staying in the relationship. Others worry their partner would be devastated if they knew about the thoughts. This internal conflict often leads to more anxiety, and more compulsive checking for certainty.
You might find our article on understanding anxiety and evidence-based anxiety treatment helpful if this sounds familiar.
What causes Relationship OCD?
Like other forms of OCD, there isn’t a single cause. It usually develops through a mix of genetic, neurological, psychological, and environmental factors.
Some people have a general vulnerability to anxiety or obsessive thinking. Others may have grown up in environments where relationships were unstable, idealised, or overly criticised. Perfectionism and a strong fear of making the “wrong choice” can also play a role.
It’s also worth noting that ROCD doesn’t mean someone has an unhealthy or flawed relationship. The problem isn’t the relationship — it’s the way the brain is processing uncertainty.
ROCD in new and long-term relationships
ROCD can emerge at any point in a relationship. Sometimes it starts early — when things get serious or after a big commitment, like moving in together. Other times, it pops up years in, even in stable relationships.
In new relationships, ROCD might look like:
Constantly second-guessing the choice of partner
Obsessively analysing whether you’re “really in love”
Feeling anxious if you don’t feel intense attraction all the time
In long-term relationships, it might involve:
Doubting your past choices or replaying old relationship issues
Worrying about “what if” scenarios
Feeling a sudden shift in emotional connection and fixating on what it means
Regardless of when it shows up, the experience is real and painful — and often deeply misunderstood by others.
The role of a psychologist in treating ROCD
At Cova Psychology, our psychologists in Melbourne understand the complexity of ROCD. Therapy is not about convincing someone to stay or leave a relationship. It’s about helping them respond differently to intrusive thoughts and develop a healthier relationship with uncertainty.
Treatment often involves:
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), including Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), which helps reduce compulsive behaviours and build tolerance for doubt
Mindfulness techniques, which can support awareness without getting pulled into the content of the thought
Self-compassion work, especially when guilt and shame are present
Values clarification, helping people reconnect with what matters beyond the anxious mind
Rather than trying to “solve” the relationship, therapy focuses on stepping back from compulsive thought cycles and building emotional flexibility.
What if my partner doesn’t understand?
It’s not uncommon for partners to feel confused or hurt by ROCD symptoms. They may not understand why the person keeps questioning their connection or pulling away.
In some cases, couples therapy or psychoeducation can help both partners make sense of what’s happening. For those navigating recurring tension or miscommunication, you might find our guide to improving communication with your partner useful.
It’s important to remember that ROCD is a mental health issue — not a reflection of the partner’s worth or the relationship’s potential.
If you’re supporting someone with ROCD, it can be helpful to resist giving constant reassurance (even though it feels kind) and instead encourage them to seek support from a trained psychologist.
Can ROCD go away?
Yes — ROCD is treatable. With the right support, many people learn to manage intrusive thoughts, reduce compulsive behaviours, and reconnect with their relationships in more meaningful ways.
Recovery doesn’t necessarily mean the thoughts disappear entirely. It means they lose their grip. They stop dominating every decision or interaction. You start to trust yourself more, even when there’s no perfect certainty.
Therapy takes time, but it can lead to lasting change. It’s about learning to live with the messiness of human relationships — and that can be a deeply empowering thing.
Why this can be hard to talk about
Many people with ROCD feel isolated because they’re afraid to share what’s going on. They worry others will say, “Well maybe that means the relationship really isn’t right.”
Because intrusive thoughts often go against what the person values (like loyalty or love), they can feel shameful to admit. This often stops people from seeking help — or delays it.
But mental health isn’t always tidy, and thoughts aren’t facts. A supportive psychologist can help untangle what’s happening beneath the surface, without jumping to conclusions or pathologising your relationship.
If you’ve been stuck in your own head for weeks or months, spinning in circles about your partner, it might be time to pause and get some perspective.
We also have a resource on gaslighting in relationships — a different but sometimes overlapping dynamic that may be worth understanding if trust issues are part of what you’re facing.
A note on diagnosis and self-understanding
Not everyone who worries about their relationship has ROCD. It’s important not to self-diagnose based on a list of symptoms or an internet quiz. That said, if something about this description resonates — if you see yourself in it and it’s affecting your life — you’re not alone, and support is available.
A psychologist can help explore your experience with curiosity and care, and offer guidance on what’s actually going on. The goal isn’t to label, but to understand — and to help you move forward with more clarity and less fear.
Take the next step
If you’re experiencing obsessive relationship doubts that won’t go away, or if you’re finding it hard to make sense of your emotions, talking to a psychologist might help.
At Cova Psychology, our team of psychologists in Melbourne offer warm, evidence-based support for individuals navigating OCD, anxiety, and relationship challenges. Whether you prefer to see someone in-person in our Melbourne CBD clinic or connect via telehealth, we’re here to help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed.
To find out more or book an appointment, get in touch today. You don’t have to keep going in circles — support is available.
Dr. Chris Coleiro
Chris is Clinical Psychologist and a co-director of Cova Psychology, located in the Melbourne CBD, where he provides supervision to psychologists whilst cultivating a supportive culture within the Cova team. Chris has worked extensively in the assessment and treatment of trauma, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. He combines a range of therapies in his approach including CBT, Schema Therapy, EMDR and IFS. Chris is a member of the Australian Psychological Society (APS), the APS college of Clinical Psychology, and of the Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing Australian Association (EMDRAA).
