Understanding gaslighting in relationships and daily life
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to doubt their own reality. It goes beyond lying or disagreement, operating as a systematic attempt to distort another person’s confidence in their perceptions, memories, and feelings. Over time, this process can erode self-trust and create dependence on the gaslighter for a sense of truth.
At Cova Psychology in Melbourne, many clients describe the confusion and distress that comes with gaslighting. It often takes place in intimate relationships, but it can also appear in families, workplaces, and friendships. Although recognising gaslighting is not always simple, learning how it works is the first step in protecting yourself.
Where the term comes from
The word gaslighting comes from the 1938 play “Gas Light,” later made into a film. In the story, a husband secretly dims the gas lamps in the house. When his wife notices and comments on it, he insists she is imagining things. This persistent denial of reality causes her to question her sanity. Although fictional, the story reflects a psychological tactic that continues to be seen in relationships today.
How gaslighting works
Gaslighting is powerful because it targets a person’s sense of reality. When someone starts to question their own memory or emotions, they may become less confident in making decisions or standing by their view of events. Instead of relying on themselves, they may gradually become more dependent on the gaslighter.
Gaslighters usually combine several strategies, which chip away at the other person’s certainty. Common examples include:
Denial and distortion
A gaslighter may claim something did not happen or suggest it happened in a different way. Over time, repeated comments such as “You imagined it” or “That never took place” can make the victim second-guess themselves.
Trivialising emotions
Another tactic involves minimising or mocking emotions. Remarks such as “You are too sensitive” or “You always exaggerate” are used to plant doubt about whether feelings are valid.
Shifting blame
Responsibility is often redirected. For example, the gaslighter might accuse the other person of lying in order to deflect attention from their own dishonesty.
Creating confusion
Contradictory statements and shifting explanations can leave the victim feeling disoriented. As a result, it becomes increasingly difficult to rely on one’s own perspective.
Isolation
Gaslighters may also discourage contact with supportive people. With fewer outside voices, it becomes harder to reality-check what is happening.
Escalation over time
The behaviour usually begins subtly, perhaps as occasional denial or dismissal. However, it can grow into a pervasive pattern that affects many areas of life.
The psychological impact
Gaslighting affects people in different ways, but certain patterns are common. At our Melbourne clinic, clients often describe a sense of being “foggy” or disconnected after ongoing exposure. Some of the difficulties that may arise include:
Loss of confidence and self-trust
When messages suggesting your perceptions are wrong are repeated, they eventually begin to feel convincing. This undermines confidence and makes everyday decisions harder.
Anxiety and low mood
Living with constant uncertainty often creates heightened worry, restlessness, or sadness. For some, the ongoing invalidation may lead to a sense of hopelessness that resembles depression.
Difficulties with trust
The problem does not end with the gaslighter. Trust in new partners, friends, or colleagues can also be shaken, making it harder to feel safe in fresh relationships.
Isolation and loneliness
Being cut off from others, whether actively by the gaslighter or passively through shame, increases feelings of loneliness. This lack of connection can intensify the psychological toll.
Physical stress responses
The body often responds to chronic stress with symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, digestive problems, and disrupted sleep. Over time, these physical experiences sit alongside the psychological ones.
Changes in thinking
Negative beliefs such as “I cannot rely on myself” or “I am weak” may develop. By contrast, with support, these beliefs can be identified and gently challenged.
Exploring the deeper roots of these experiences can be important. For many people, gaslighting links with earlier relational patterns and unprocessed attachment wounds. Our article on attachment trauma explains how these histories may shape the way gaslighting is experienced.
Gaslighting in different settings
Although gaslighting is often associated with intimate relationships, it is not limited to them.
In families, a parent might deny harmful actions or insist that a child’s memories are wrong, which can shape how that child understands themselves as an adult. In workplaces, managers may downplay contributions, deny promises, or shift responsibility in ways that undermine employees. Even in friendships, similar patterns can occur when one person seeks control.
In each of these contexts, the outcome is similar: the individual on the receiving end begins to feel less secure in their perceptions and more uncertain in their relationships.
Gaslighting can also contribute to trauma that persists well beyond the immediate situation. In our overview of PTSD treatment in Melbourne, we discuss how therapies such as EMDR or trauma-focused CBT can support people whose self-trust has been shaken by these experiences.
Pathways to recovery
Healing from gaslighting takes time. It involves gradually restoring trust in your own thoughts and feelings, while also finding ways to protect yourself from further manipulation. Some of the approaches that can support recovery include:
Naming the experience
Acknowledging that gaslighting has occurred often brings clarity. It helps to label what has been happening, rather than continuing to feel that something is “off” but undefined.
Rebuilding trust in yourself
Journalling, keeping track of events, and reflecting on your feelings can help reconnect you to your own perspective. In time, this strengthens the sense that your experiences are valid.
Seeking validation and support
Trusted friends, family, or a psychologist can provide perspective and validation. Being heard by someone who believes you can counteract some of the doubt instilled by gaslighting.
Establishing boundaries
Boundaries are important in protecting against ongoing harm. For some, this may mean limiting or ending contact with the gaslighter. For others, it may involve setting firm limits around communication.
Self-compassion
It is common to feel frustrated with yourself for not recognising the manipulation sooner. Practising compassion acknowledges how difficult it is to identify gaslighting when caught in the middle of it.
Professional therapy
Therapy can address both immediate impacts and longer-term patterns that have developed. Approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Schema Therapy, or EMDR are often helpful. Our guide to EMDR therapy in Melbourne explores how this approach can support recovery after manipulation and trauma.
Moving forward
Experiences of gaslighting can feel destabilising and overwhelming. Recovery is not about erasing what happened, but about gradually rebuilding trust in yourself and developing ways to protect your wellbeing. With the right support, many people find they can move towards relationships that feel safer and more respectful.
At Cova Psychology, our Melbourne psychologists work with individuals who have experienced gaslighting in relationships, families, and workplaces. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these experiences, understand their impact, and find strategies for moving forward. For more on what therapy involves, see our overview on what EMDR is and how it treats trauma and anxiety or visit our main page on EMDR therapy in Melbourne.
Take the next step
If you are concerned that gaslighting may be affecting you, reaching out for support can make a difference. Cova Psychology is based in Melbourne and our psychologists offer evidence-based therapies in a compassionate and professional setting. Contact us today if you would like to take the first step towards understanding and recovery.
Dr. Chris Coleiro
Chris is Clinical Psychologist and a co-director of Cova Psychology, located in the Melbourne CBD, where he provides supervision to psychologists whilst cultivating a supportive culture within the Cova team. Chris has a particular interest in how relational trauma, such as gaslighting, can affect self-trust and emotional wellbeing, and he often integrates Schema Therapy and EMDR in his work with clients recovering from these experiences.
Chris has worked extensively in the assessment and treatment of trauma, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. He combines a range of therapies in his approach including CBT, Schema Therapy, EMDR and IFS. Chris is a member of the Australian Psychological Society (APS), the APS college of Clinical Psychology, and of the Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing Australian Association (EMDRAA).