- 30 September 2024
Family relationships are seen as unbreakable bonds, the parent child relationship is one of the most intense. But for some adults these relationships can become so… strained, toxic, unhelpful, abusive? (it’s hard to put a word to it)… that estrangement becomes the only option.
In my experience as a clinical psychologist this decision is never made lightly and is accompanied by a huge mix of emotions, anger, relief, deep sadness and grief. I’ve seen the complexities and difficulties of estrangement and the toll it takes on people. In this article I will start to talk about what estrangement is like.
Before we get into this though I think it’s worth noting that everyone’s journey and experience of parental estrangement is different. Obviously this should probably be stated in any discussion of people’s experience of relationships and emotions but I think it’s particularly relevant when talking about this topic.
Table of Contents
What is Estrangement?
Estrangement is a situation where there is a big emotional and physical gap between people. In the context of adult children and their parents, estrangement means cutting off all contact or at least reducing contact to a bare minimum. This can be temporary or permanent depending on the circumstances and the people involved.
It’s important to note that estrangement is not always a black and white process. It can involve periods of reconnection followed by further distancing or it can be a gradual drifting apart over many years. The first session is key in establishing trust and clarifying confidentiality agreements, setting the scene for future sessions.
Why Do Adult Children Cut Ties with Their Parents and Experience Estrangement from Family?
There are many complicated reasons why people choose to distance themselves from their parents. It often comes after years of tension, hurt and failed attempts at resolution or change. Below are some common reasons why adults might make this choice:
Abusive Behaviour: One of the most common reasons for estrangement is a history of or current abusive behaviour from parents. This can be physical, emotional or psychological abuse or neglect. Adult children may cut ties to protect themselves from further harm or to break free from an already lived cycle of dysfunction.
Unresolved Conflicts: Family conflicts can be deeply ingrained and hard to resolve. Whether it’s disagreements over lifestyle choices, religious beliefs or past hurts, unresolved conflicts can create ongoing tension and resentment. When these issues go unaddressed for too long estrangement can feel like the only way to let go of these conflicts and the associated distress.
No Support or Understanding: Some adults feel their parents are unable or unwilling to support them in a meaningful way. This lack of support might show up as dismissive attitudes, judgmental behaviour or not acknowledging the adult child’s needs and feelings.
Different Values and Beliefs: As adults, people develop their own set of values, beliefs and lifestyles which can be very different to those of their parents. These differences can create tension especially if the parents are intolerant or dismissive of the adult child’s choices.
Mental Health Issues: Mental health issues, whether in the parents or the adult child, can also contribute to estrangement. Conditions such as personality disorders, depression or anxiety can complicate family relationships making it hard for people to connect or communicate. In some cases mental health issues can exacerbate existing conflicts leading to a breakdown in the relationship. Mood disorders and other health related problems can also contribute to estrangement. Accessing therapy services through a mental health plan can help people manage these challenges by providing affordable mental health support.
Boundary Violations: Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship but can be particularly hard to maintain within families. When parents continually violate their adult child’s boundaries—whether by being controlling, intrusive or disrespectful—estrangement can feel like the only way for the adult child to regain their autonomy and protect their emotional well being.
Life Transitions: Major life transitions such as marriage, parenthood or career changes can also contribute to estrangement. These transitions often bring new priorities and responsibilities which can sometimes highlight existing tensions or create new conflicts within the family. If these issues are not managed well they can lead to estrangement.
Not A Choice: It’s worth noting here that for some adult children estrangement from their parents may not have been something they decided upon. Their parent may never have been in their life or cut contact with them at some point later. While this is slightly different to what we are discussing in this article, many of the impacts are the same.
You Need to Re-Evaluate Your Relationship If:
Ongoing feelings of anxiety, depression or emotional pain
Trouble communicating with your partner or family member
Feeling unheard, dismissed or invisible
Emotional or physical abuse
Feeling trapped or stuck in the relationship
No emotional intimacy or connection
A Melbourne clinical psychologist can help you work out what’s going on in your relationship and develop strategies to improve communication, build emotional intimacy and address any underlying trauma or mental health issues.
Complex Trauma and Estrangement
Complex trauma can contribute to estrangement especially where family members have experienced prolonged and repetitive traumatic events. Sexual abuse and sexual assault can contribute to complex trauma and lead to estrangement. This can lead to relationship difficulties, emotional dysregulation and a fragmented sense of self. In some cases estrangement can be a coping mechanism for people who have experienced complex trauma as it allows them to distance themselves from the source of their trauma. But this can also perpetuate feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety. A trauma therapist in Melbourne can help you work through your complex trauma and develop strategies to rebuild relationships and improve emotional well being.
What Does Estrangement Feel Like for Your Emotional Health?
Becoming estranged from your parents can be an emotional rollercoaster. While some people may feel relief and freedom, others may feel sadness, guilt, shame, anger, disappointment and more. The impact of estrangement can vary depending on the circumstances, the individual, their beliefs, the nature of the relationship with the parents etc.
Relief and Freedom: For many people estrangement brings relief. It’s a way to escape a toxic or unhealthy relationship, to focus on their own well being without the constant stress of conflict or abuse. This new found freedom can lead to personal growth, higher self esteem and sense of self and more emotional stability.
Sadness and Grief: Even when estrangement is necessary for your well being it often comes with a sense of loss. Cutting ties with a parent can feel like mourning the loss of a relationship that never was and the loss of a parent that didn’t meet your emotional needs. This grief can be complicated by the fact that the parent is still alive which can make this loss feel stuck or unresolved. Some people may develop eating disorders as a result of the emotional impact of estrangement.
Guilt and Shame: Many adults who become estranged from their parents experience guilt and shame. Society places a strong emphasis on family loyalty and there is a stigma around cutting ties with your parents. This can lead to internal conflict where the individual questions whether they made the right decision or feels guilty for not being able to fix the relationship.
As well as society creating this pressure it can also be the parents themselves who either subtly or overtly apply pressure for adult children to stay connected and for the family dynamics to remain. This can feel like a particularly hard habit to break. Guilt and shame are very common emotions, during and after estrangement.
Anger: Anger is another very common emotion. Whether it’s due to feeling betrayed by parents who were supposed to protect and nurture, frustration over unmet needs or unresolved conflicts or the injustice of having to make such a hard decision in the first place, anger is going to arise. Be aware that anger may also be directed inward and lead to self blame or regret for not being able to fix the relationship or for the time lost in a toxic environment. Anger is a natural response to the hurt and pain that often precedes estrangement. Managing these emotional challenges is key and seeking anger management support from a qualified psychologist can be helpful.
Loneliness and Isolation: Estrangement can also bring loneliness and isolation especially if the individual doesn’t have a strong support system outside of their family. Family relationships give us a sense of belonging and connection and the loss of those ties can leave a hole that’s hard to fill. This can be especially tough during holidays or major life events where the absence of family is most felt or when society expects us to be spending time with our families.
Many people experience a combination of these emotions. They may feel relieved to be out of a toxic relationship but also mourn the loss of what could have been—a healthy loving relationship with their parents. This can be hard to navigate and may lead to ambivalence or second guessing about the decision to be estranged.
Estrangement: How does it affect your life?
As well as emotional consequences the decision to be estranged from your parents can have far reaching effects on many other areas of your life including relationships, career and sense of identity. Let’s look at some of the impacts to help you prepare for the challenges that may arise and find ways to cope with the changes.
Impact on Relationships: Estrangement can have a ripple effect on other relationships, particularly with siblings, extended family members and friends. Siblings may feel caught in the middle having to navigate their own relationships with the parents while respecting the estranged sibling’s boundaries. Extended family members may not understand the reasons for the estrangement and will pressure the individual to reconcile. Friendships can also be affected especially if the friends have close relationships with their own families and don’t fully get the complexities of the situation.
From my experience as a psychologist one of the biggest impacts of parental estrangement is feeling misunderstood by others and as a result feeling a bit rejected or disconnected from society. The pull to stay connected to your family is so strong for many that they can’t get their head around and relate to why some people would make opposite choices.
Impact on Career/Finances: For some people estrangement can impact their work life. The emotional toll of estrangement can lead to increased stress, anxiety or depression which can affect work performance. For many though estrangement can have a huge impact on their finances. Many people are financially linked to their parents whether that be through one (fully/partially) supporting the other, they may co-own assets (ie, a house) or frequently the link is via an individual’s inheritance. It’s hard enough to navigate the complex dynamics a person may have with their parent but especially difficult if it means their financial situation will change significantly. For many choosing to stay connected to parent or estranged can have long term financial implications.
Impact on Identity: Family relationships often define an individual’s identity. When these relationships are cut off it can lead to identity confusion or feeling unmoored. The individual may struggle with who they are without the context of their family and will need to work through these issues as they re-define themselves. For some this will also mean feeling disconnected not just from their family but potentially also from their cultural, ethnic or religious group. No wonder this can be so hard for them.
Impact on Mental Health: The emotional toll of estrangement can affect mental health. People may experience increased symptoms of depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions as they deal with the loss and navigate the challenges of estrangement. Please acknowledge these impacts and seek professional help from a psychologist if needed.
Impact on Parenting: For those who are parents themselves estrangement from their own parents can affect their parenting. Some may be determined to break the cycle of dysfunction and create a healthier more supportive relationship with their children. Others may feel inadequate or fear they will repeat the same patterns. Navigating this requires self awareness and personal growth.
Also adult children who want to separate from their parents are often painfully aware that this means their children will be estranged from their grandparents. This can be especially hard as it means their children lose that relationship and the adult child loses any support they may have received from them re child rearing.
Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are common emotions that come up in estrangement. Please acknowledge and work through these emotions to move forward. A trauma therapist in Melbourne can help you develop strategies to manage guilt and shame:
Self compassion and self forgiveness
Reframe negative self talk and self blame
Growth mindset and focus on personal growth and development
Build a support network of friends, family or a therapist
Remember guilt and shame are not productive emotions and holding onto them will perpetuate anxiety and depression. By working through these emotions you can develop a more loving relationship with yourself. (Keep keywords: estrangement)
Coping with Estrangement: Strategies for Healing and Moving Forward with Estrangement
Estrangement is a personal experience and there is no one solution for everyone. But there are strategies to help you navigate the emotional and social challenges of estrangement and move forward in a healthy way.
Let Yourself Grieve: Please acknowledge the loss of estrangement and let yourself grieve. This may mean mourning the relationship you had and the relationship you wished you had. Giving yourself permission to feel and process these emotions is key to healing.
Get Support: Having a support network can make a big difference in coping with estrangement. This may be friends, a partner, a psychologist or a support group (in person or online). Surround yourself with people who get and validate your experience and can help you with the cascade of emotions that come after. Grief counselling can be especially helpful in dealing with the specific emotional challenges of estrangement.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is key to navigating estrangement. This means setting limits on contact with your parents and other family members and being clear about what you need from the people in your life. Boundaries can protect your emotional well being and give you space to heal.
Recognise the Complexity of Emotions: Estrangement is complicated. You may be feeling all sorts of emotions from anger and resentment to love and longing. Please acknowledge and validate these complex emotions rather than suppressing them. Therapy with a psychologist can be a great tool to help you process these feelings and navigate the emotional complexity of estrangement. Schema therapy is an evidence based treatment that can help with complex emotions and trauma.
Self Care: Estrangement is emotionally exhausting so please prioritise self care. Looking after your physical and emotional health will help you stay resilient as you navigate the challenges of estrangement. Talking therapy is a great way to recover emotionally and can give you the support to maintain your well being.
Reflect on Your Values and Identity: Estrangement can prompt a deep reflection on your values, beliefs and sense of self. Use this opportunity to explore who you are outside of your family dynamic. Try journaling, therapy or activities that help you reconnect with your core values and personal goals. This can lead to a stronger sense of self and clarity on the life you want to build.
Consider Reconciliation: While estrangement can be a necessary and healthy decision it’s also possible that relationships can be mended over time. Reconciliation doesn’t mean going back to the same dynamics that led to estrangement but rather creating a new healthier relationship if both parties are willing to change and grow. Please approach this with caution, clear boundaries and a realistic understanding of what’s possible. For some reconciliation is never the goal or even a possibility and that’s okay too.
For some people cutting contact with their parent is a decision for “for now” and they don’t know when or if they will want to reconnect. Making the decision to disengage from your parent forever feels too much and needs to be done in smaller chunks.
Build New Connections: The absence of family connections can create a void but it also provides an opportunity to build new connections. Invest in friendships, community involvement or groups that align with your interests and values. Building a support network outside of your family can give you the connection and sense of belonging you may be missing.
Be Open to Personal Growth: Estrangement can be a catalyst for big personal growth. Use this time to focus on yourself, whether that means trying new hobbies, furthering your education or working on personal goals. Personal growth can make you feel more empowered and in control of your life even in the face of complex family dynamics.
Practice Acceptance —For Yourself and Others: Acceptance (from a psychologists’ perspective) doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing bad behaviour but rather it means freeing yourself from the struggle of wishing it weren’t so. It means accepting your parent is who they are and you are who you are. It means seeing the family situation for what it is and acting accordingly.
Rebuilding Relationships (Optional)
Rebuilding relationships with parents or other family members can be tough. When there’s been trauma or conflict in the past the journey to reconciliation requires effort, commitment and willingness to work through difficult emotions.
Rebuilding relationships can be especially complicated when estrangement is involved. In that case seeking the support of a mental health professional, such as a trauma therapist can be super helpful. A trauma therapist can help you work through the emotional impact of traumatic events and develop strategies for managing stress and anxiety. They can also help you develop healthy communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.
Some common ways to rebuild relationships:
Active Listening and Empathy: Truly listening to the other person and showing empathy can help build trust and understanding.
Healthy Communication: Learning to communicate effectively, express yourself and listen to others can improve your relationships.
Setting Boundaries and Respecting Each Other’s Needs: Boundaries are key to healthy relationships.
Seeking Support from a Mental Health Professional: Professional support can give you valuable insights and strategies for rebuilding.
Shared Goals and Values: Finding common ground can strengthen the connection between you.
Rebuilding relationships takes time, understanding and willingness to work through tough emotions. It can be hard but ultimately worth it for stronger, more meaningful connections.
By working together and seeking support when needed you can rebuild strong, healthy relationships that bring happiness and fulfillment to your life.
Professional Help and Trauma Therapy
Some people choose to seek professional help to deal with complex trauma and estrangement. A trauma therapist in Melbourne can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your emotions and develop strategies for healing. Some benefits of seeking professional help:
A personalised treatment plan to suit you
Learning to manage emotional distress
Help to build a stronger circle of friends and family.
Improve emotional regulation and reduce anxiety and depression symptoms
Get in touch with a clinical psychologist in Melbourne for support. With the right help and guidance you can work through your complex trauma and have a more positive life.
Building a Support Network
Building a support network is a protective factor for anyone who has experienced complex trauma and estrangement. A support network can provide emotional support, practical help and a sense of belonging. Some ways to build a support network:
A support group for people who have experienced trauma or estrangement
Friends and family who are supportive and understanding
Online communities or forums for people who have experienced trauma or estrangement
A trauma therapist in Melbourne to develop a personalised support plan
Remember building a support network takes time and effort but it’s an important part of healing and recovery. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support – you deserve it.
Conclusion: Your Next Steps
Being estranged from your parents as an adult is a personal and often painful decision. It’s a journey that comes with its own set of challenges from navigating tough emotions to dealing with social and psychological impacts. But it might be the best or healthiest decision you’ve ever made.
As a psychologist I encourage anyone going through this to be kind to themselves – especially themselves. Understand that estrangement is not a failure but a reflection of the boundaries you need to protect your well-being. Seek support, take care of yourself and remember it’s okay to put yourself first. Know you’re not alone, many people are struggling with the questions they have about their relationship with their parents and whilst different people will come up with different answers, it’s a source of struggle and suffering for many.
From my experience as a psychologist the journey of estrangement is so unique and varied for each person. This collection of personal stories about this experience and as you read you’ll see these stories start to explore the many reasons for and effects of parental estrangement.
How Our Melbourne Psychologists Can Help
Our experienced team including Clinical, Counselling and Health Psychologists have extensive experience in many areas including anxiety, depression, trauma and PTSD. We offer therapy in the CBD of Melbourne or via telehealth and can make it affordable through Medicare rebates accessed via a Mental Health Care Plan.
Dr. Sarah Valentine
Sarah is a Clinical Psychologist and co-director of Cova Psychology. She has worked in a range of settings in both the public and private sectors of mental health system in Melbourne over the past 20 years. Sarah is passionate about helping her clients heal trauma, is an experienced EMDR therapist and also incorporates Schema Therapy and Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) into her work. She is a board approved supervisor and mentor and enjoys supporting psychologists at all stages of their career.
