Understanding the ways we sometimes act against our own best interests
Most of us have experienced moments where we’ve felt like our biggest obstacle. Perhaps we’ve procrastinated before a deadline, undermined a promising relationship, or given up on a goal just as it was within reach. These behaviours can be frustrating and confusing—especially when we genuinely want things to work out. So why do we get in our own way?
At Cova Psychology, our psychologists in Melbourne regularly support clients who are stuck in patterns of self-sabotage. These behaviours often have deep psychological roots and can be changed with the right insight, support, and strategies.
In this post, we’ll explore what self-sabotage really means, where it comes from, and how therapy can help you break the cycle.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage refers to any behaviour or thought pattern that interferes with your own success, well-being, or goals. It’s when you consciously or unconsciously act in ways that prevent you from moving forward—even though you truly want to.
This might include:
Putting things off until the last minute
Avoiding difficult conversations
Turning down opportunities you’re actually excited about
Engaging in negative self-talk
Setting unrealistic goals or expectations
Repeating unhealthy patterns in relationships
At first glance, these actions might seem irrational. But when we look more closely, they often serve a psychological purpose—even if that purpose is no longer helpful.
Common reasons we self-sabotage
1. Fear of failure
One of the most common drivers of self-sabotage is fear of failure. If we believe deep down that we’re not good enough, failing may feel inevitable. So, we may (often unconsciously) create a situation where we don’t try our hardest or back away from a challenge. That way, if things don’t work out, we can tell ourselves it wasn’t a “real” failure—we just didn’t give it our all.
It’s a painful irony: in trying to protect ourselves from disappointment, we often ensure it.
2. Fear of success
This might sound counterintuitive, but success can be just as scary as failure. Success can bring change, responsibility, visibility, or pressure to maintain high standards. For someone who’s grown up with self-doubt or low self-worth, the idea of thriving may feel unfamiliar or even unsafe.
People sometimes sabotage success as a way of staying within their comfort zone—even if that comfort zone includes disappointment or underachievement.
3. Low self-esteem
When you don’t believe you’re worthy of happiness or success, you may subconsciously act in ways that confirm that belief. For example, you might settle for less in relationships, dismiss compliments, or avoid pursuing things that matter to you.
Low self-esteem can also cause you to question your decisions constantly, leading to indecision, withdrawal, or giving up before you’ve had a fair chance.
4. Childhood experiences
Early relationships shape how we view ourselves and the world. If you grew up in an environment where love or success felt conditional, unpredictable, or unavailable, you may carry those patterns into adulthood. You might fear that getting close to others will end in rejection or that your efforts will never be good enough.
Self-sabotage can sometimes reflect old emotional wounds that haven’t been fully processed. Some of this work may be explored in schema therapy, which helps identify deeply held beliefs and emotional themes formed in early life.
5. Perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking
Perfectionism often leads to self-sabotage because it sets us up to fail. When the bar is set impossibly high, we either burn ourselves out trying to reach it—or avoid trying altogether. It’s a form of self-protection: if you never start, you never fail.
All-or-nothing thinking (e.g., “If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure”) creates unrealistic expectations and makes it hard to recover from setbacks.
6. Learned helplessness
If you’ve been in situations where you felt powerless for long periods—such as a toxic relationship or a job that wore you down—you might internalise the belief that your actions don’t make a difference. This can lead to a sense of helplessness, where even when opportunities arise, you don’t trust yourself to take them or believe they will work out.
That’s where therapy can offer a new pathway. By working with a psychologist in Melbourne, either in person or via telehealth, you can begin to rebuild confidence in your choices and abilities—even if it’s just one small step at a time.
Recognising self-sabotage in your life
Self-sabotage isn’t always obvious. It can be subtle, persistent, and easy to justify. Here are some signs to watch for:
You often feel frustrated with yourself but can’t pinpoint why
You set goals but struggle to follow through
You get close to achieving something, then lose motivation
You feel undeserving of good things
You engage in self-criticism or doubt more than encouragement
These patterns can affect many areas of life—work, study, relationships, health, and emotional wellbeing. The good news is they’re not permanent.
How therapy can help
Working with a psychologist can help you uncover the underlying causes of self-sabotage and develop healthier ways to cope. At Cova Psychology, our Melbourne-based team works with individuals to explore these patterns safely and compassionately.
Therapy offers a space to:
Understand your triggers and the beliefs that drive your behaviour
Learn strategies for managing anxiety, perfectionism, or self-criticism
Build self-compassion and self-worth
Strengthen your ability to tolerate uncertainty or discomfort
Make choices that align with your values rather than your fears
Some people benefit from structured therapies like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which focuses on mindfulness, values, and taking action despite discomfort. Others may need to process trauma or past experiences using approaches like EMDR or trauma-informed CBT. If your self-sabotage has links to distressing past events, it might be worth exploring PTSD treatment with one of our trauma-informed clinicians.
The most important thing is that therapy meets you where you’re at, without judgement.
You’re not broken—you’re human
It’s important to remember that self-sabotage doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means you’ve developed coping strategies—however unhelpful they may be now—that once served a purpose. Understanding that can shift the tone from self-blame to curiosity and change.
You are not alone in this. Many people in Melbourne and beyond struggle with these patterns, even if they don’t talk about them. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness but an act of strength.
Moving forward with compassion
The path to change isn’t always linear. You might slip back into old habits now and then—that’s normal. What matters is noticing the pattern, naming it, and coming back to the present moment with compassion. Change is possible when we’re patient with ourselves.
If you recognise self-sabotaging behaviours in your own life, know that support is available. Therapy can help you understand yourself more deeply and take steps toward the life you want to live.
Sometimes it’s not about having all the answers. It’s about having someone walk alongside you while you figure things out. That’s where therapy really shines.
Reach out to a psychologist in Melbourne
At Cova Psychology, we work with people from all walks of life who feel stuck, frustrated, or unsure how to move forward. If self-sabotage is holding you back, we’re here to help you make sense of it—and move past it.
Our experienced psychologists in Melbourne provide personalised, evidence-based therapy that supports lasting change. We’re based in the Melbourne CBD and also offer telehealth appointments across Australia.
Contact us today to find the right psychologist for your needs.
Dr. Chris Coleiro
Chris is Clinical Psychologist and a co-director of Cova Psychology, located in the Melbourne CBD, where he provides supervision to psychologists whilst cultivating a supportive culture within the Cova team. Chris has worked extensively in the assessment and treatment of trauma, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. He combines a range of therapies in his approach including CBT, Schema Therapy, EMDR and IFS. Chris is a member of the Australian Psychological Society (APS), the APS college of Clinical Psychology, and of the Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing Australian Association (EMDRAA).