- 30 September 2024
Family relationships are often seen as unbreakable bonds, with the parent-child relationship being one of the most significant. However, for some adults, these relationships can become so… strained, toxic, unhelpful, abusive? (it’s hard to put a word to it)… that estrangement becomes the only viable option.
In my experience as a clinical psychologist, this decision is never made lightly and is accompanied by a huge mix of emotions, from anger to relief to deep sadness and grief. I’ve witnessed the complexities and challenges that come with estrangement and the toll it takes on people. In this article, I will begin to talk about what estrangement might be like.
Before we get into this topic though, I think it is particularly worth noting that everyone’s journey and experience of parental estrangement is different. Obviously this should probably be stated in any discussion of people’s experience of relationships and emotions, but I think it is particularly relevant when discussing this topic.
Table of Contents
Understanding Estrangement: What Does It Mean?
Estrangement refers to a situation where there is a significant emotional and physical distance between people. In the context of adult children and their parents, estrangement usually means cutting off all contact or at least drastically reducing the frequency and quality of interactions. This separation can be temporary or permanent, depending on the circumstances and the individuals involved.
It’s important to be aware that estrangement is not always a clear-cut process. It can involve periods of reconnection followed by further distancing, or it might involve a gradual drifting apart over many years. The initial consultation is crucial in establishing trust and clarifying confidentiality agreements, setting the foundation for future sessions.
Reasons: Why Do Adult Children Cut Ties with Their Parents and Experience Estrangement from Family?
The are many complicated reasons why people choose to distance themselves from their parents. It often comes after years of tension, hurt, and failed attempts at resolution or change. Below are some common reasons why adults might make this choice:
1. Abusive Behaviour: One of the most common reasons for estrangement is a history of, or even current demonstrations of, toxic or abusive behaviour from parents. This can include physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, as well as neglect. Adult children may choose to cut ties to protect themselves from further harm or to break free from an already lived cycle of dysfunction.
2. Unresolved Conflicts: Family conflicts can be deeply ingrained and difficult to resolve. Whether it’s disagreements over lifestyle choices, religious beliefs, or past grievances, unresolved conflicts can lead to ongoing tension and resentment. When these issues go unaddressed for too long, estrangement can feel the only way to let go of these conflicts and associated distress.
3. Lack of Support or Understanding: Some adults feel that their parents are unable or unwilling to support them in meaningful ways. This lack of support might manifest in dismissive attitudes, judgmental behaviour, or a failure to acknowledge the adult child’s needs and feelings.
4. Differing Values and Beliefs: As adults, individuals often develop their own set of values, beliefs, and lifestyles, which may differ significantly from those of their parents. These differences can create tension, especially if the parents are intolerant or dismissive of the adult child’s choices.
5. Mental Health Issues: Mental health challenges, whether in the parents or the adult child, can also contribute to estrangement. Conditions such as personality disorders, depression, or anxiety can complicate family relationships, making it difficult for individuals to connect or communicate effectively. In some cases, mental health issues can exacerbate existing conflicts, leading to a breakdown in the relationship. Mood disorders and other health-related problems can also contribute to estrangement. Accessing therapy services through a mental health plan can help individuals manage these challenges by providing affordable mental health support.
6. Boundary Violations: Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship, but they can be especially challenging to maintain within families. When parents repeatedly violate their adult child’s boundaries—whether by being overly controlling, intrusive, or disrespectful—estrangement can become a way for the adult child to reclaim their autonomy and protect their emotional well-being.
7. Life Transitions: Major life transitions, such as marriage, parenthood, or career changes, can also play a role in estrangement. These transitions often bring new priorities and responsibilities, which can sometimes highlight existing tensions or create new conflicts within the family. If these issues are not managed effectively, they can lead to estrangement.
8. Not A Choice: It should be acknowledged here that for some adult children, estrangement from their parents may not have been something that they decided upon. Their parent may never have been in their life or cut contact with them at some point later. While this is slightly different to what we are discussing in this article, many of the impacts are the same.
Signs You May Need to Re-Evaluate Your Relationship
If you’re experiencing any of the following signs, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship:
Persistent feelings of anxiety, depression, or emotional distress
Difficulty communicating effectively with your partner or family member
Feeling unheard, invalidated, or dismissed
Experiencing emotional or physical abuse
Feeling trapped or stuck in the relationship
Lack of emotional intimacy or connection
A clinical psychologist in Melbourne can help you identify the underlying issues in your relationship and develop strategies for improving communication, building emotional intimacy, and addressing any underlying trauma or mental health concerns.
The Role of Complex Trauma in Estrangement
Complex trauma can play a significant role in estrangement, particularly in cases where family members have experienced prolonged and repetitive traumatic events. Experiences of sexual abuse and sexual assault can contribute to complex trauma and lead to estrangement. This can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining healthy relationships, emotional dysregulation, and a fragmented sense of identity. In some cases, estrangement may be a coping mechanism for individuals who have experienced complex trauma, as it allows them to distance themselves from the source of their trauma. However, this can also perpetuate feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. A trauma therapist in Melbourne can help individuals work through their complex trauma and develop strategies for rebuilding relationships and improving emotional health.
The Emotional Impact of Estrangement: What Does It Feel Like for Your Emotional Health?
Becoming estranged from your parents can evoke a complex mix of emotions. While some individuals may feel a sense of relief and freedom, others may experience profound sadness, guilt, shame, anger, disappointment and many more. The emotional impact of estrangement can vary depending on the circumstances, the individual’s personality and belief system, the nature of the relationship with the parents, etc.
1. Relief and Freedom: For many individuals, estrangement brings a sense of relief. It can be a way to escape from a toxic or unhealthy relationship, allowing the individual to focus on their own well-being without the constant stress of conflict or abuse. This newfound freedom can lead to personal growth, increased self-esteem and sense of identity, and more emotional stability.
2. Sadness and Grief: Even when estrangement is necessary for one’s well-being, it often comes with a deep sense of loss. The decision to cut ties with a parent can feel like mourning the loss of a relationship that never lived up to its potential as well as the loss of not having a parent that met your emotional needs. This grief can be complicated by the fact that the parent is still alive, which might make this loss feel stuck or unresolved. Additionally, some individuals may develop eating disorders as a result of the emotional impact of estrangement.
3. Guilt and Shame: Many adults who become estranged from their parents struggle with feelings of guilt and shame. Society often places a strong emphasis on family loyalty, and there can be a stigma associated with cutting ties with one’s parents. This can lead to internal conflict, where the individual questions whether they made the right decision or feels guilty for not being able to repair the relationship.
As well as society creating this pressure, it can also be the parents themselves who either subtly or more overtly apply pressure for adult children to stay connected and for the familial dynamics to remain. This can feel like a particularly strong spell to break. Guilt and shame are very typical emotions, both during and post-estrangement.
4. Anger: Anger is another very common emotion. Whether it’s due to feeling betrayed by parents who were supposed to protect and nurture, frustration over unmet needs or unresolved conflicts, or the injustice of having to make such a difficult decision in the first place, anger is understandably likely to arise. Be aware, that anger may also be directed inward, leading to self-blame or regret for not being able to fix the relationship or for the time lost in a toxic environment. Anger is a very natural response to the hurt and pain that often precedes estrangement. Managing these emotional challenges is crucial, and seeking anger management support from qualified psychologists can be beneficial.
5. Loneliness and Isolation: Estrangement can also lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially if the individual lacks a strong support system outside of their family. Family relationships often provide a sense of belonging and connection, and the loss of these ties can leave a void that’s difficult to fill. This can be particularly challenging during holidays or significant life events, where the absence of family can be most felt or when society most expects us to be spending time with our families.
It’s also common for individuals to experience a combination of these emotions. While they may feel relieved to be free from a harmful relationship, they may also mourn the loss of what could have been—a healthy, loving relationship with their parents. This mix of emotions can be difficult to navigate and may lead to feelings of ambivalence or wavering about the decision to become estranged.
The Social Impact of Estrangement: How Does It Affect Your Life?
As well as emotional consequences, the decision to become estranged from your parents can have far-reaching effects on a variety of other aspects of your life, including your relationships, career, and overall sense of identity. Let’s touch on some of the impacts to help individuals prepare for the challenges that may arise and find ways to cope with the changes.
1. Impact on Relationships: Estrangement can have a ripple effect on other relationships, particularly with siblings, extended family members, and friends. Siblings may feel caught in the middle, having to navigate their own relationships with the parents while respecting the estranged sibling’s boundaries. Extended family members may not understand the reasons for the estrangement and could pressure the individual to reconcile. Friendships can also be affected, especially if the friends have close relationships with their own families and don’t fully grasp the complexities of the situation.
From my experience as a psychologist, one of the biggest impacts of parental estrangement is feeling misunderstood by others, and as a result, feeling somewhat rejected or separated from society. The pull to remain connected to your family is considered so important by many, they can find it hard to grasp and relate to the reasons some people may have for making opposite choices.
2. Impact on Career/Finances: For some individuals, estrangement can impact their professional life. The emotional toll of estrangement can lead to increased stress, anxiety, or depression, which can affect work performance. For many though, estrangement can have a huge effect on their finances. Many people are linked financially to their parents, whether that be through one(fully/partially) supporting the other, they may co-own assets (ie, a house), or frequently the link is via an individual’s inheritance. It is tricky enough to navigate the complex dynamics that a person might have with their parent but especially difficult if it means their financial position will significantly change. For many, choosing to remain connected to parent or estranged can have long-lasting financial implications.
3. Impact on Identity: Family relationships often play a significant role in shaping an individual’s identity. When these relationships are severed, it can lead to a sense of identity confusion or a feeling of being untethered. The individual may struggle with questions about who they are without the context of their family, and they may need to work through these issues as they redefine their sense of self. For some also, this will ripple out to feeling disconnected not just from their family, but potentially also their cultural, ethnic or religious group. Understandably this can take huge toll on them.
4. Impact on Mental Health: The emotional strain of estrangement can take a toll on mental health. Individuals may experience increased symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions as they cope with the loss and navigate the challenges of estrangement. It’s important to recognise these potential impacts and seek professional support from a psychologist if needed.
5. Impact on Parenting: For those who are parents themselves, estrangement from their own parents can influence their approach to parenting. Some may feel determined to break the cycle of dysfunction and create a healthier, more supportive relationship with their children. However, others may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or fear that they will repeat the same patterns. Navigating these challenges requires self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth.
Furthermore, adult children who are wishing to separate from their parents are also often painfully aware that this means that their children will likely become estranged from their grandparents. This can feel particularly difficult as it not only means that their children lose that relationship, but the adult child also loses any support they might have received from them in regards to child-rearing.
Navigating Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are common emotions that can arise in the context of estrangement. It’s essential to acknowledge and work through these emotions to move forward. A trauma therapist in Melbourne can help you develop strategies for managing guilt and shame, such as:
Practicing self-compassion and self-forgiveness
Reframing negative self-talk and self-blame
Developing a growth mindset and focusing on personal growth and development
Building a support network of friends, family, or a therapist
Remember, guilt and shame are not productive emotions, and holding onto them can perpetuate feelings of anxiety and depression. By working through these emotions, you can develop a more positive and compassionate relationship with yourself. (Keep keywords: estrangement)
Coping with Estrangement: Strategies for Healing and Moving Forward with Coping with Estrangement
Estrangement is a deeply personal experience, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to coping with its effects. However, there are strategies that can help individuals navigate the emotional and social challenges of estrangement and move forward in a healthy and constructive way.
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve: It’s important to acknowledge the loss that comes with estrangement and allow yourself to grieve. This may involve mourning the relationship you had, as well as the relationship you wished you could have had. Giving yourself permission to feel and process these emotions is a crucial step in healing.
2. Seek Support: Having a strong support system can make a significant difference in coping with estrangement. This might include friends, a partner, a psychologist, or a support group (either in-person or online). Surrounding yourself with people who understand and validate your experience and can help you with the cascade of emotions that you might experience after. Grief counselling can be particularly beneficial in addressing the specific emotional challenges associated with estrangement.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is key to navigating estrangement. This includes setting limits on contact with your parents and other family members, as well as being clear about what you need from the people in your life. Boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being and give you the space you need to heal.
4. Acknowledge the Complexity of Emotions: Estrangement is complicated. You may find yourself feeling a wide range of emotions, from anger and resentment to love and longing. It’s important to acknowledge and validate these complex emotions rather than suppressing them. Therapy with a psychologist can be an invaluable tool in helping you process these feelings and navigate the emotional complexities of estrangement. Schema therapy is an effective evidence-based treatment that can help address these complex emotions and trauma.
5. Focus on Self-Care: Estrangement can be emotionally draining, so it’s essential to prioritise self-care. Taking care of your physical and emotional health can help you stay resilient as you navigate the challenges of estrangement. Talking therapy is a valuable method for emotional recovery and can provide the support needed to maintain your well-being.
6. Reflect on Your Values and Identity: Estrangement can prompt deep reflection on your values, beliefs, and sense of identity. Take this opportunity to explore who you are outside of your family dynamic. Consider journaling, therapy, or engaging in activities that help you reconnect with your core values and personal goals. This process can lead to a stronger sense of self and greater clarity about the life you want to build.
6. Consider the Possibility of Reconciliation: While estrangement can be a necessary and healthy decision, it’s also possible that relationships can be mended over time. Reconciliation doesn’t mean returning to the same dynamics that led to estrangement, but rather, it could be about creating a new, healthier relationship, if both parties are willing to change and grow. It’s important to approach this possibility though with caution, clear boundaries, and a realistic understanding of what’s possible. For some, reconciliation is never the goal or even a possibility, and that’s OK too.
For some people cutting contact with their parent, is a decision for “just now”, and they are not able to know when or if they will want to reconnect. Making the decision to disengage from your parent forever may feel too much and needs to be done in more manageable chunks.
8. Build New Connections: The absence of family connections can create a void, but it also provides an opportunity to build new, meaningful relationships. Invest in friendships, community involvement, or groups that align with your interests and values. Building a supportive network outside of your family can provide the connection and sense of belonging that you might be missing.
9. Stay Open to Personal Growth: Estrangement can be a catalyst for significant personal growth. Use this time to focus on your own development, whether that means pursuing new hobbies, furthering your education, or working on personal goals. Personal growth can help you feel empowered and more in control of your life, even in the face of complex family dynamics.
10. Practice Acceptance —For Yourself and Others: Acceptance (from a psychologists’ perspective) doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing harmful behaviour, but rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the struggle of wishing it weren’t so. It is about accepting that your parent is who they are and likewise, as are you. It is about seeing the family situation for what it is and acting accordingly.
Rebuilding Relationships (Optional)
Rebuilding relationships, whether with parents or other family members can be a challenging process. When there has been a history of trauma or conflict, the journey to reconciliation requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to work through difficult emotions.
Rebuilding relationships can be particularly complex when estrangement is involved. In such cases, seeking the support of a mental health professional, such as a trauma therapist can be invaluable. A trauma therapist can help you work through the emotional impact of traumatic events and develop strategies for managing stress and anxiety. They can also assist in developing healthy communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.
Some common strategies for rebuilding relationships include:
Practicing Active Listening and Empathy: Truly listening to the other person’s perspective and showing empathy can help rebuild trust and understanding.
Developing Healthy Communication Skills: Learning to communicate effectively, express your needs, and listen to others can improve the quality of your relationships.
Setting Boundaries and Respecting Each Other’s Needs: Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
Seeking Support from a Mental Health Professional: Professional support can provide valuable insights and strategies for rebuilding relationships.
Focusing on Shared Goals and Values: Identifying common goals and values can help strengthen the bond between individuals.
Rebuilding relationships requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through difficult emotions. It can be a challenging but ultimately rewarding process that leads to stronger, more meaningful connections.
By working together and seeking support when needed, you can rebuild strong, healthy relationships that bring joy and fulfilment to your life.
Seeking Professional Help and Trauma Therapy
Some people decide to seek professional help to address complex trauma and estrangement. A trauma therapist in Melbourne can provide a safe and supportive environment for you to process your emotions and develop strategies for healing. Some benefits of seeking professional help include:
Developing a personalised treatment plan tailored to your needs
Learning effective coping mechanisms and strategies for managing emotional distress
Support to help you building a stronger network of friends and family.
Improving emotional regulation and reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression
Don’t hesitate to reach out to a clinical psychologist in Melbourne for support. With the right help and guidance, you can work through your complex trauma and develop a more positive and fulfilling life.
Building a Support Network
Building a stronger support network can be a protective step which improves mental health for anyone who has experienced complex trauma and estrangement. A support network can provide emotional support, practical help, and a sense of connection and community. Some ways to build a support network include:
Joining a support group for individuals who have experienced trauma or estrangement
Connecting with friends and family members who are supportive and understanding
Seeking out online communities or forums for individuals who have experienced trauma or estrangement
Working with a trauma therapist in Melbourne to develop a personalised support plan
Remember, building a support network takes time and effort, but it can be an important component for healing and recovery. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support – you deserve it.
Conclusion: Finding Your Path Forward
Estrangement from your parents as an adult is a deeply personal and often painful decision. It’s a journey that comes with its own set of challenges, from navigating complex emotions to dealing with the social and psychological impacts. However, it ultimately might be the best or healthiest decision you’ve ever made.
As a psychologist, I encourage anyone going through this experience to approach it with compassion—particularly for yourself. Understand that estrangement is not a failure, but rather a reflection of the boundaries you need to protect your well-being. Seek support, take care of yourself, and remember that it’s OK to prioritise you. It’s important to know that they are not alone, that many people are grappling with the questions they have about their relationship with their parents and whilst different people will come up with different answers, it is a source of struggle and suffering for many.
In my experience as a psychologist, the journey through estrangement is so unique and varied for each individual. Below is a collection of poignant personal stories related to this experience, and as you will read, these narratives start to explore the many reasons for and effects of parental estrangement.
How Our Melbourne Psychologists Can Help
Our experienced team, including Clinical, Counselling, and Health Psychologists, bring extensive experience in a range of therapeutic areas, such as anxiety, depression, trauma and PTSD. We provide therapy services in the CBD of Melbourne or via telehealth, which can be made affordable through Medicare rebates accessed via a Mental Health Care Plan.
If you’re looking for psychological support with family estrangement, don’t hesitate to be in touch with our friendly reception team to book an initial appointment.
Dr. Sarah Valentine
Sarah is a Clinical Psychologist and co-director of Cova Psychology. She has worked in a range of settings in both the public and private sectors of mental health system in Melbourne over the past 20 years. Sarah is passionate about helping her clients heal trauma, is an experienced EMDR therapist and also incorporates Schema Therapy and Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) into her work. She is a board approved supervisor and mentor and enjoys supporting psychologists at all stages of their career.
